Why Jeb Bush Really Suspended His Campaign

Image Courtesy Uproxx

Good Evening,

As many of you know earlier this week I made the difficult decision to suspend my bid for the Republican nomination for President. This is not a decision that I made lightly, but the people of three states have spoken, and apparently I have absolutely zero appeal.

I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t constantly use insults that I learned from fourth graders, or if it’s because my ears aren’t the size of satellite dishes, or heck it might even be because I’m not (allegedly) the Zodiac Killer.

Perhaps I was just too reasonable of a candidate. Maybe voters were uneasy because of my vast experience, proven record, and reasonable policies.

But you know what, I don’t care anymore! I never wanted to be President that badly anyway, I was just tired of my Mom and Dad bragging about George whenever we went golfing.

Now that I’ve had my crack at it, I am happy to admit defeat. Only an idiot would want to deal with all the criticism, pressure, and danger of being President.

Besides, now I get to pursue my real passion, music.

This brings me to my main point, I have decided to produce my debut mixtape.

The Walking Jeb
Tracklist:

Blame my Brother (Obama Diss)
Overcompensating (Trump Diss) ft. Pope Francis
Gators and Gats
Blowing Money
Republican Bias
Jet Fuel Can’t Melt Steel Beams (but my rhymes did)
Confirm the Illuminati
Carpetbagger (Hillary Diss)
Climate Change ft. Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson
Another Bush

So, thank you America for helping me move past my fears, and enabling me to follow my true dream.

Your friend,

Jeb Bush

 

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